flickr

ive been messing around with flickr tonight...not a whole lot, only for about 10 or 20 minutes. here it is!

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i plan on working on it more tomorrow, perhaps.

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its 12:30 am. i wish i was tired. this morning i was...but im a night owl, so i guess i will never be tired when i should be!

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my sleep paralysis problems are coming back agian, full swing. i hate it- its to the point now that i know its happening, that its not real, so its just an added annoyance. this morning i had 5 episodes. i call them that for lack of a better word...but damn are they annoying. its so difficult for me to even begin explaining what goes on during these episodes, but ive come a long way with them. i remember the first one quite clearly. a slender man stood next to my bed, right next to me. i could not see his face, because i was under my covers. he wore a dark blue zip up hoodie and his jeans were light colored. i could see his hand. he just stood there, and then he touched my shoulder. i tried to scream, i was TERRIFIED, but nothing came out. i tried to move. nothing. he shook me and told me to wake up. the whole time i could hear what sounded like somebody violently shaking out a sheet (did you ever play with giant parachutes in gym class? it sounded like that. it sounded the way a flag sounds in a gusty wind.) i could hear it so close to my ear. everything was so incredibly VIVID. i finally woke up, he was gone. but what just happened?? i knew that i wasnt imagining it, it was just TOO real to be a dream. the next day something similar happened, but this time he wasnt there. it was just really load noises. my bed kind of shook, as if somebody bumped into it. the flapping noise was back and louder than before. i tried to scream. i was laying on my stomach, with my arms and hands extended towards my head. i tried to push myself upwards, to sit up. nothing. i couldnt move. my eyes were barely open, it was a struggle trying to keep them open. i finally woke up and thought "it happened again". i spent the next few weeks researching what it could be. i found out about sleep paralysis rather quickly, although my journey was nowhere near over. the next morning a man was yelling in my ear at the top of his lungs. he told me not to move otherwise he was going to shoot me. then he started whispering, and then the flying bats started again. well, that was my newest perception of the sheet/flag/parachute noise, bats flying out of a cave, their wings flapping next to my ear as they left. it finally stopped, i got up and cried. what the hell was going on? over the next few weeks i learned more from my experiences with this. i learned that right after coming out of each episode i was extremely tired. so tired that sometimes i would just fall right back asleep even if i tried to roll over first. this was the worst thing, because as soon as i fell asleep, i slipped right back into an attack. over and over. one of the times i was able to see the clock. it said 8:43. and then 8:44. i couldnt move or do anything, it was hard enough to try to pry my eyes open. i finally snapped out of it. i looked at the clock; 8:46. no way. now i knew that it was so real, yet so fake. i still didnt get it. when i first started having the episodes, it was pretty bad- happened almost every day for a little less than a month. a few weeks passed and i had a couple episodes here and there. probably between 10-15 total. the very first one i had was in february or march, thats when it lasted almost a month. they came back again in may. then kind of faded away. now its late august, and this morning was ridiculous. i heard my bedroom door handle turn and my door open. (the sounds are ALWAYS SO DEAD ON) then i heard joe snoring. neither of these were really happening. and i KNEW at that they werent real, i KNEW that joe was already at work. while i heard the snoring i thought "damn it, joes at work. SHUT UP." but i had to just lay there and wait for it to pass. i am getting so frustrated. its to the point where i can tell whats real and whats not, if that makes sense. i dont get terrified anymore, or at least not as much. but it still freaks me out each time it happens. i have learned to switch positions after an episode so i dont slip right back into it. but this morning it didnt work. i kept rolling over after each one, i even moved to the foot of the bed. it still happened 5 times. i just wish that it didnt seem to make me so tired. whenever it happens, i am so tired, like i never went to bed. for awhile i would get up in the morning and literally run into the walls after this happened- i was that tired, even after an okay amount of sleep. oh yeah, and the thing is, i have NEVER had an episode when joe is home. only when he is gone at work already. i hate it. when we first moved in together i had a bad bout of insomnia, it lasted for about 6 months. then i finally (FINALLLLLY) slept like a normal person. but then i started having really bad nightmares. oh god they were bad. and then, this sleep paralysis thing. i cant wait till it passes. oh please tell me it will eventually pass, for good.

sorry for the longest blog post ever. i wanted to write about it since this is my journal.